Rough Waters

It’s been a while since I last posted.  I’ve been having quite a few ups and downs in my life.  Let me go in some kind of order.

First, my job has been a rollercoaster.  I was originally hired for one role, then got moved to a different role after one month, and then got moved back to my original role a month later.  I’ve been in an intensive training program for the past 6 weeks while maintaining most of my old work load.  So, I’ve been learning new processes, systems, and definitions, while trying to balance the demands of my old job.  It’s been frustrating and overwhelming.  For my new role, we have a training program where we have to do mock role-plays with a manager and we have to treat them like a customer.  I completely bombed my first role-play and left the room crying.  It was so not like me.  I was unprepared and didn’t have my A-game that day.  It was embarrassing on so many different levels.  I’m used to acing things, presentations, projects, you name it.  I always prepare well in advance and make sure I am well read on the subject matter.  To say I was thrown for a loop is a huge understatement.


Second, my personal life has been up and down.  A while back I made a goal for myself to move out of my mother’s home before I turn 26.  You’re probably thinking…”why the heck is she still living at home?”  Trust me, I hear ya loud and clear.  My mom is disabled and has been my whole life.  I’ve lived at home to help take care of her and mend our relationship.  In the past few years, I’ve realized that I am not as needed as I thought I was.  My older brother has made it his job to be her caretaker and I totally respect that, but it leaves me the odd man out.  He takes care of her finances and makes all the big decisions.  So, I’ve decided to go about my life and branch out a bit more and move out.  It’s a decision I’ve always wanted to make but never had the balls to.  Now that the time has come, I am crushed and sad.  I feel guilty and selfish.  My mom will always be a priority in my life and I am so happy that our relationship has grown so much over the past few years.  I am just scared she will be hurt and think I am abandoning her.  I guess it would also be helpful to let you know that my mother has a head injury as well.


Third, I have been thinking about how unfair life is sometimes.  For instance, my mother becoming paralyzed at the age of 26 right after giving birth to me.  Since she became paralyzed, she no longer has the use of the left side of her body.  She can definitely walk but she has a limp and has to use a can.  My mother becoming paralyzed impacted my family in so many different ways.  My dad has always said that when my mother came out of a coma she woke up an entirely different person.  Everyone always tells me stories about  my mother before she had me and I feel myself missing someone I didn’t even know.  My mom used to love to dance, wear high heels, and be independent, but with her paralysis her dancing is limited, she cannot wear high heels, and she has to depend on others to take her places.  I know we are so lucky that my mother survived and we have her today, believe me, I know how lucky we are.  It’s just that I wish I would have got the chance to meet the woman who was so excited to have a little girl and used to dream about me before I was born.  Life sometimes can be so cruel and break your heart over and over again.




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